Return to the Creators
by HanPN
Summary: Varia Mahariel had already buried her lover and clan mate Tamlen back when she got the darkspawn plague. But now Tamlen returned to her as a ghoul, and she was forced to kill him. Varia says goodbye to her only love.


My body shakes with sorrow and with cold. It's been hours since Tamlen, my first and my only love died. He's in my arms. A ghoul. Not even himself. Twisted, in pain, dark. My Tamlen. My Tamlen? He is gone. He's dead. For months I had hoped he had lived. That somehow he had managed to get away from the now broken mirror without the taint. That he'd had to leave, but that he'd been safe. But he had not. He had the darkspawn plague, the taint, just as I had. But where I had been momentarily cured and had become a Grey Warden, Tamlen had become a ghoul. And now he was dead, dead for real and dead for good. I haven't been able to move since I pushed my dagger into his heart, since he fell to his knees and I joined him, holding him in my arms. I keep seeing his last moments in my head, over and over again. He had smiled, and despite his skin being darker and his head hairless, he had looked like himself. A tear had fallen from his grey-blue eyes and he had told me he loved me. That he always loved me. And I'd said it back through my sobs. Then his eyes had gone distant and his smile as faded, and he was gone. I had screamed so loud in my pain that the birds in the nearby trees had fled. And now the sun is rising, and despite me asking to be left alone, Alistair has returned to my side.

"Varia?"

I hear his voice, full of concern and sadness, and I hear my name. I don't move. I can't.

"Varia, you have to get up, you can't sit there forever."

"Yes," I whisper hoarsely. _I can_. I do not elaborate.

"You should bury him. Do him that honor. You told me you bury your people and plant a tree above their bodies. Shouldn't… shouldn't Tamlen be returned to the earth?"

I know he is right. He should be returned to the earth. But I buried Tamlen once, I mourned him once, and he came back, worse off than I could have possibly feared. What if he does it again? He smells of rot and decay and piss. I look down at him, at his eyes that are still staring at me without seeing. I begin crying again, silently, and I finally move my hand and close his eyes, planting a kiss on each of his eyelids.

"Help me," I whisper to Alistair. He does, taking Tamlen from me into his own arms. I don't like that he does, but he has to be returned. I have to do it.

It takes a minute, but eventually I manage to move my stiff muscles and push myself to my feet. I look at Alistair, cradling Tamlen as if he was a babe freshly out of his mother's womb. And I look behind Alistair, where everyone is looking at me. I wasn't aware that anyone else was up, but they all are. I don't try to hide my pain. I walk slowly to Alistair, looking at Tamlen. He's soaked with blood. So am I. Tamlen's blood. I fear I might vomit. I look at the others once more.

"Could some of you please dig a hole for Tamlen's body?"

Everyone is over-eager to do so, and I know they want to help me as much as they can. I am grateful, but in too much pain to articulate it.

"I have to wash him," I say to Alistair. He nods.

"There's a stream just inside the forest," he tells me, giving me a questioning look.  
"Very well."

Alistair begins walking, carrying Tamlen to the stream. I walk in silence. When Alistair puts Tamlen down beside the stream, I kneel at him.

"Could you go find some clothes?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

When Alistair is gone, I begin stripping Tamlen of his clothing. Most of it is rags by now, filthy and bloodied. I put it all in a pile to be burned later, and I try my hardest not to look at the big hole in his chest. I pick him up and drag him with me to the stream, holding him against me and not caring that my own clothes is getting wet. I keep him with me, rubbing off as much grime and dirt from him as I can. Eventually he looks a lot more like himself, and I almost hate that he does. It would be easier to bury someone you can't recognize. I imagine it would hurt less.

Alistair has returned with some clothing in his arms. When I am done cleaning Tamlen's corpse, I bring him back up and place him gently on the ground. First thing I put on him is his smallclothes, and Alistair has the decency to look away. I put the cotton shirt around him, fumbling with the buttons with my shaking hands. Then I give him pants on, tying them together with a belt. Finally I put some shoes onto his feet.

I know some would consider it a waste, especially during a Blight, to clad a corpse in clothing, but Tamlen deserves to be sent off to our Creators with some dignity in his tainted body. When it is done, Alistair picks him back up and carries him. I gather herbs and flowers as we walk back, and keep them in my hands.

We have been gone thirty minutes at most, but already a hole much larger than Tamlen has been made in the dirt. By the sweat, I assume Sten, Oghren, Zevran and dirt-covered Shale have been the ones doing so.

Leliana hands me a blanket, and I take it, wrapping it around Tamlen's corpse while Alistair holds it out for me. When I'm done, I carry him into the hole and gently put him down. I spread the herbs and flowers around him and on him. I have a habit of gathering seeds from fruits, but I had not imagined I would be saving them up for this. I reach in to my pouch and retrieve a handful and spread them around him. Hopefully this way, at least something will grow.

I kneel down next to him and give him one final kiss.

Then, I begin burying him.

I remember Tamlen. I remember running around with him when we were kids, inexperienced at climbing trees and Tamlen falling out and breaking his arm. He had barely cried, saying it didn't hurt.

I remember Tamlen teaching me how to use a bow, making fun of my terrible first attempts.

I remember Tamlen kissing me for the first time a year ago when we were in a small clearing in a forest.

I remember him being my first in almost everything.

My first friend, and my first lover. My first time getting in trouble was with him. My first sorrow, my first heart break, my first time I would say goodbye and bury my mate. My only mate.

I'm crying again as I cover him, throwing more seeds out now and again. When I'm done, I sing an elven song that we always sing at funerals. In it, I ask the Creators to guide him to their side, to take him home and to treat him well. To make sure he knows I love him and miss him. For a tree to grow so that life may come from death.

As I sing, I feel my resentment for Duncan grow. I could have saved Tamlen. If he had just let me do it, I could have found him.

When we leave Tamlen later that day, I can feel my heart has grown cold. I do not look at Alistair the same way. I know Alistair is not responsible for Duncan's actions, but he reminds me of him too much.

A month later, when we fight the Archdemon, I plunge my blade into its skull, and I join my lost love in death and peace.


End file.
